She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
