I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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