Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
