I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
