ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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