We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
