I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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