I heard we made out
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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