...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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