So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
