It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Shitshow foam night was such a success
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
