dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
