my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
