I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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