The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
