I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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