Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
