If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
