There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
