Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
