Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
