I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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