when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
