It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
