I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
