my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
