She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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