I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
