I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
