Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
