I swear she didn't look like that last week.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
