literally had 100 drinks last night.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
