The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The struggles of a small town man whore
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
