did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
