Can i not drive my cunt home
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
