I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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