i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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