**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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