We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I AM VODKA MAN
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
