In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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