I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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