a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
