i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
