Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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