He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
