If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
