the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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