Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
