i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
