I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
