I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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