Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
